‘History’s Shortest Geological Column’

Russel Seitz offers at the Adamant ‘Deep Time For Dummies’, ‘Biblically Correct Geochronology’, based on ‘the addition of Begats by eminent 17th century divine Archbishop Ussher and the noted Revelation scholar & alchemist Sir Isaac Newton’:

A brief excerpt:

2584 B.C.: Earliest sedimentation; discovery of slate leads to stone tablets.

2384 B.C.: Breathable atmosphere develops; first sermon preached.

1794 B.C.: Children of Ham split from Israelites, insisting that the Burgess Shale fauna are kosher; chowder invented.

1704 B.C.: Charshumash the Hittite bitten by first vertebrate; lawyers emerge from slime.

A.D. 494: Snakes evolve and are driven out of Ireland.

Read the whole thing, for it is good.

4 thoughts on “‘History’s Shortest Geological Column’”

  1. Skewed timelines aren’t just for creationist.

    Prior to the discovery of radioactivity, geologist and physicist in late 1800’s early 1900’s correctly (based on the data at hand) calculated that the earth could not be more than 100 million years old at the outside. This led to all kinds of interesting mistakes in evolutionary theory, geology and paleontology. Most prominently, it caused a widespread rejection of natural selection as the sole mechanism for evolution because there simply did not seem to be enough time.

    On that old timeline, multicellular life evolved only 22 million years ago. the dinosaurs died out 1.5 million years ago, and the first humanoids arose only 50,000 years ago, and modern humans evolved only a couple of thousand years before the rise of civilization. The sense that evolution occurred in much smaller time frames and much more rapidly than our modern view created a lot of the political weirdness that attached itself to evolutionary theory in early-20th century.

    It wasn’t until after WWII that a more accurate timeline became established and that natural selection returned as the sole mechanism for evolution.

  2. It would be just great, silly fun, except for one egregious error—far too many lawyers have never emerged from the slime. Indeed, they seem to be multiplying there, and have ads on TV asking members of the general public to join them.

  3. And on the eighth day, the Lord said “It is not right that man and woman should toil without ceasing and lay up their crops without profit. My wrath is great, but so also is My mercy, and it seems good to Me to give them a break for My sake. Therefore, let the grape juice spoil in a most wondrous fashion, and let the leftover grain be soaked in water to become fizzy and delicious. Let them praise Me with song in the evening, and let them fear Me and repent with pounding brains and rebellious vitals in the morning.” And the Lord created bottles, and filled them, and put corks in them, and set them in cool places, and it was good.

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