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  • Situational Awareness

    Posted by Shannon Love on February 20th, 2010 (All posts by )

    This morning, my spouse intercepts me coming out of the bathroom ask, “I’m going to the store, do you need anything?”

    “Yes,” I replied, “I need some [blank] and some [blank] because I have [insert graphic and colorful description of a minor but disgusting personal problem].”

    My spouse looked startled. Confused, I looked around.

    “Oh,” I said, “You might have informed me we have company.”

    Every day I grow more convinced the universe is a cosmic conspiracy to rob me of my dignity.

     

    7 Responses to “Situational Awareness”

    1. Ripleigh Says:

      So you have claimed for a very long time.

    2. Frederick Davies Says:

      You letting the whole World know about it are not helping either, don’t you think?

    3. Shannon Love Says:

      Frederick Davies,

      D’oh!

    4. david foster Says:

      On a business trip with another guy, waiting to change planes at an airport somewhere:

      ME: So I got this book about *names*…survey research on the psychological implications of various names. Can’t remember what the worst male name is, but by far the worst female name is “Bertha.”

      ELDERLY LADY: I quite agree with you. That is my name, and is has been a burden to me all of my life.

    5. Jim Bennett Says:

      The uncle of a friend of mine was born in the late 20s and was named “Adolph”. He generally went by the name of “Bud”.

    6. veryretired Says:

      If I had any dignity left to worry about, I would agree with you.

    7. Doug Jones Says:

      Hanging out with the other comics on open mike night, we kicked around a version of this- the three item shopping list. Examples:

      Young woman: (Ann Abeyta, fellow comic)
      1) Bottle of aspirin
      2) pregnancy test
      3) wire coat hanger

      Bearded man: (me, inadvertently, Oct 29 1997)
      1) package of candy
      2) bag of apples
      3) razor blades

      Scowling, angry black man: (observed, not made up!)
      1) box of condoms
      2) tube of KY jelly
      3) bottle of mouthwash

      Keeping a straight face at the last one was physically painful, but I managed, and didn’t get killed.