Situational Awareness

This morning, my spouse intercepts me coming out of the bathroom ask, “I’m going to the store, do you need anything?”

“Yes,” I replied, “I need some [blank] and some [blank] because I have [insert graphic and colorful description of a minor but disgusting personal problem].”

My spouse looked startled. Confused, I looked around.

“Oh,” I said, “You might have informed me we have company.”

Every day I grow more convinced the universe is a cosmic conspiracy to rob me of my dignity.

7 thoughts on “Situational Awareness”

  1. On a business trip with another guy, waiting to change planes at an airport somewhere:

    ME: So I got this book about *names*…survey research on the psychological implications of various names. Can’t remember what the worst male name is, but by far the worst female name is “Bertha.”

    ELDERLY LADY: I quite agree with you. That is my name, and is has been a burden to me all of my life.

  2. The uncle of a friend of mine was born in the late 20s and was named “Adolph”. He generally went by the name of “Bud”.

  3. Hanging out with the other comics on open mike night, we kicked around a version of this- the three item shopping list. Examples:

    Young woman: (Ann Abeyta, fellow comic)
    1) Bottle of aspirin
    2) pregnancy test
    3) wire coat hanger

    Bearded man: (me, inadvertently, Oct 29 1997)
    1) package of candy
    2) bag of apples
    3) razor blades

    Scowling, angry black man: (observed, not made up!)
    1) box of condoms
    2) tube of KY jelly
    3) bottle of mouthwash

    Keeping a straight face at the last one was physically painful, but I managed, and didn’t get killed.

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