This morning, my spouse intercepts me coming out of the bathroom ask, “I’m going to the store, do you need anything?”
“Yes,” I replied, “I need some [blank] and some [blank] because I have [insert graphic and colorful description of a minor but disgusting personal problem].”
My spouse looked startled. Confused, I looked around.
“Oh,” I said, “You might have informed me we have company.”
Every day I grow more convinced the universe is a cosmic conspiracy to rob me of my dignity.
7 thoughts on “Situational Awareness”
So you have claimed for a very long time.
You letting the whole World know about it are not helping either, don’t you think?
On a business trip with another guy, waiting to change planes at an airport somewhere:
ME: So I got this book about *names*…survey research on the psychological implications of various names. Can’t remember what the worst male name is, but by far the worst female name is “Bertha.”
ELDERLY LADY: I quite agree with you. That is my name, and is has been a burden to me all of my life.
The uncle of a friend of mine was born in the late 20s and was named “Adolph”. He generally went by the name of “Bud”.
If I had any dignity left to worry about, I would agree with you.
Hanging out with the other comics on open mike night, we kicked around a version of this- the three item shopping list. Examples:
Young woman: (Ann Abeyta, fellow comic)
1) Bottle of aspirin
2) pregnancy test
3) wire coat hanger
Bearded man: (me, inadvertently, Oct 29 1997)
1) package of candy
2) bag of apples
3) razor blades
Scowling, angry black man: (observed, not made up!)
1) box of condoms
2) tube of KY jelly
3) bottle of mouthwash
Keeping a straight face at the last one was physically painful, but I managed, and didn’t get killed.
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