Via the always brilliant People’s Cube:
It automatically rejects calls from people with a different opinion. Every time you take a picture, it produces a grimmer image of America. It doesn’t have a plan; it just keeps telling you how bad the other guy’s plan is. When it crashes, it blames your previous phone. All 3 AM calls go directly to voicemail. It has a really useless app called “Biden.” Pairing it with another device sucks all the energy out of the other unit. Type in “job search” and it gives you directions to the welfare office. The navigation feature covers all 57 States. The default ringtone for international calls is “I’m sorry, so sorry, please accept my apology.” The healthcare app downloads and installs itself without your permission. When you make a call, a teleprompter pops up to help you speak. Restaurant reviews are all written by Michelle Obama. There are never any winners on Angry Birds. Instagram takes two months to process a photo and you have to fill out 3 PDFs to do so. Paypal app is replaced with ReceivePal app. You can’t find “Jerusalem” on Google maps. It turns all your Facebook friends into enemies and all your enemies into friends. Don’t want to work? There’s an app for that, too. It automatically bows down to phones made by foreign companies. When you watch a YouTube video, a US ambassador gets killed. When you dial “home”, it calls Kenya. As opposed to the iPhone, it’s called the mePhone.