Make Family Holidays Great Again

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

I saw a news clip the other day about how Thanksgiving is “America’s Favorite Holiday!” I’m not sure if that’s true and anything produced by the media should be treated with extreme suspicion but hey, yes, Thanksgiving is up there as far as holidays.

In what seems to be part of the Thanksgiving tradition, we are inundated with stories about the difficulties involved in getting through the day without families and guests tearing each part over their political differences. This year, we are warned, everyone will be at general quarters because of the recent election.

I saw this yesterday from the LA Times about surviving political disagreements this Thanksgiving:

“Successful discussion of any important disagreement is based on a simple premise: We need to listen to each other. But listening is difficult, especially in most political discussions, when we are not really listening — we are waiting for an opportunity to present our arguments and defend our side.

…When we listen in this way, we take several steps away from repetitive and unproductive argument toward a new form of conversation: We have begun a dialogue.”

This is an example of the use of “emotional intelligence” which works great with conflict resolution, say in the workplace or in family counseling. However when it comes to family holidays, especially in communal settings like a Thanksgiving Day table, what is really needed is emotional maturity.

That maturity begins with understanding two key concepts. First family events are bigger than you and second respect for the people hosting the event and their house. While it’s important for everyone to remember those concepts, I find that often with younger people that they need a basic lesson given their belief both in their “truth” and the need to demand affirmation of it by all they encounter.

All of that’s nice and sweet, but unlike the LA Times article cited above the best use of diplomacy is not resolving conflicts but making sure they don’t occur in the first place. There’s the usual steps: hosts making sure the seating arrangements are in order, keeping an eye out for special dietary requirements (though there are limits and vegans should understand that there will be animal sacrifices served) , and perhaps getting buy-in by having people bring a favorite dish.

However another important part of diplomacy is the principle of futz around and find out (FAFO). I have found that diplomatic outreach to potential combatants before the big day, often through a trusted third party under the pretense of coordinating plans, works wonders to deliver a message regarding proper behavior and decorum. If the the person being contacted seems unable to restrain themselves, your emissary can propose alternatives: keeping attendance to simply dinner, perhaps even just dessert, or just not attending.

The other part of the message to be delivered by said emissary is that as an ultimate measure, attendees who cannot refrain from uncivil behavior will be expelled and referred to the nearest dueling ground.

Let’s take a stand.

Let’s Make Thanksgiving Great Again.