Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
I saw a news clip the other day about how Thanksgiving is “America’s Favorite Holiday!” I’m not sure if that’s true, and anything produced by the media should be treated with extreme suspicion but hey, yes, Thanksgiving is up there as far as holidays.
In what seems to be part of the Thanksgiving tradition, we are inundated with stories about the difficulties involved in getting through the day without families and guests tearing each part over their political differences. This year, we are warned, everyone will be at general quarters because of the recent election.
I saw this yesterday from the LA Times about surviving political disagreements this Thanksgiving:
“Successful discussion of any important disagreement is based on a simple premise: We need to listen to each other. But listening is difficult, especially in most political discussions, when we are not really listening — we are waiting for an opportunity to present our arguments and defend our side.
“Listening is first an attitude, then a skill. To listen more constructively, we need to take the time to learn about the people we disagree with — the stresses, anxieties and grievances they experience, the injustices they see, the values they try to live by and the stories that inspire them….
“…When we listen in this way, we take several steps away from repetitive and unproductive argument toward a new form of conversation: We have begun a dialogue.”
This is an example of the use of “emotional intelligence” which works great with conflict resolution, say in the workplace or in family counseling. However, when it comes to family holidays, especially in communal settings like a Thanksgiving Day table, what is really needed is emotional maturity.
That maturity begins with understanding two key concepts. First, that family events are bigger than you. And second, respect for the people hosting the event and their house. While it’s important for everyone to remember those concepts, I find often with younger people that they need a basic lesson, given their belief both in their “truth,” and in the need to demand affirmation of it by all they encounter.
All of that’s nice and sweet, but unlike the LA Times article cited above the best use of diplomacy is not in resolving conflicts but in making sure they don’t occur in the first place. There’s the usual steps: hosts making sure the seating arrangements are in order, keeping an eye out for special dietary requirements (though there are limits, and vegans should understand that there will be animal sacrifices served), and perhaps getting buy-in by having people bring a favorite dish.
However, another important part of diplomacy is the principle of futz around and find out (FAFO). I have found that diplomatic outreach to potential combatants before the big day, often through a trusted third party under the pretense of coordinating plans, works wonders to deliver a message regarding proper behavior and decorum. If the person being contacted seems unable to restrain themselves, your emissary can propose alternatives: keeping attendance to simply dinner, perhaps even just dessert, or just not attending.
The other part of the message to be delivered by said emissary is that as an ultimate measure, attendees who cannot refrain from uncivil behavior will be expelled and referred to the nearest dueling ground.
Let’s take a stand.
Let’s Make Thanksgiving Great Again.
I am 71, and I don’t recall it ever being an issue on any side of the family.
That may be because we all have actual lives.
Here’s another article on the subject (via RCP)
”For many, the anxiety isn’t just about who will make the mashed potatoes but how to navigate dinner conversations without feeling like they’re compromising their morals.”
A few more observations
Perhaps there are articles out there, but all I see on this subject are from lefty writers and publications. I’m not surprised, this is the gang who gives us the “silence is violence” as well as the “words are violence” to “speaking our truth” (so I guess their truth is violence?)
Along with basic courtesy and decorum which starts the principle that life isn’t all about you and whether you are compromising some basic value of yours that no one knew you had, one of the great skills (indeed virtues) is the art of conversation. I’ve been in plenty of (non-family) social events where I was pretty sure that I was the only one who didn’t think Trump was the worst person in history. However the decorum and courtesy kicked in and I realized that as a guest (or even a host) my place at the party wasn’t to go looking for a fight. I also knew (or I should say learned the hard way) how to find common ground with people who disagree with me by finding a topic on which we can both agree or least be informative while being courteous.
It’s all about recognizing where the land mines, avoiding them, and finding a way to make the evening enjoyable without having a catharsis.
I am prepared for not only Thanksgiving, but the entire Christmas and New Year’s season with a list of topics to make even the cringiest green-haired laugh. It also helps to lay off the hooch. Topic this weekend? The big ASU-Arizona game (on national TV), I may steer clear of politics and other controversial social subjects at parties but that over-blown cow college down in Pima County is fair game
Mike:
The major problem is that the Left-wing decree that “…the personal is political” leaves absolutely NO TOPIC available on planet Earth (or even off-planet..see the left-wingers having the horrors about the possible colonization of Mars) that cannot and will not be politicized by the collectivist/statist/authoritarians.
Weather? It’s all the fault of the capitalists causing climate change.
Sports? Cis-heteronormative gender-constricting patriarchal hegemony.
Personally I just start talking to somebody about long-range shooting at silhouettes, or different caliber/bullet-construction effectiveness on big game, and have fun watching the loony-tunes lose their minds. Let’s admit it, dinner’s a lot more fun without ’em.
What Mike said.
I used to enjoy arguing in social situations, but eventually I decided that the costs exceeded the benefits. This doesn’t mean that I hide my opinions in all settings; it means that in many social situations, certainly those with family and family friends, I am selective about what I will talk about. In such situations it’s more important to maintain good relations with the people involved than to convince them of something. Convincing people is overrated anyway.
My mom used to tell Dad before every holiday gathering “Lloyd, if you bring up politics, I’ll kill you.” I’m pretty sure he believed her! I sure did.
I’ve been taking the approach Jonathan laid out as well. Largely because I have recognized that it is highly unlikely I could change anyone’s viewpoint on certain topics, despite the use of logic with the support of facts.
Carey, Jonathan, Exactly.
Arguments are ego vs. ego. Minds won’t change but relationships will, usually for the worse. The secret is realizing when a discussion has become an argument and being mature enough to disengage. Something I’m still working on, especially with my brother.