English/Liberal Phrasebook

Sometimes it seems like we’re not all speaking the same language. It sounds the same, but doesn’t always mean the same. The ancient sages struggled with this, too:

‘When I use a word,’ Humpty Dumpty said in rather a scornful tone, ‘it means just what I choose it to mean–neither more nor less.’

‘The question is,’ said Alice, ‘whether you CAN make words mean so many different things.’

‘The question is,’ said Humpty Dumpty, ‘which is to be master–that’s all.’

With that in mind, I offer a few handy words and phrases in Liberal, with their approximate meanings in plain English.

UPDATE: Don’t skip the comments — they’re full of things I wish I had though of. Also in the same category, check out the Fashionable Dictionary.

Liberal: arguably
Translation: not
Example: The Canadian health care system is arguably the best model for the US.

Liberal: extremist
Translation: Any person or thing that is not liberal; antonym of “progressive”
Example: We must stop the Bush administration from installing extremist judges.

Liberal: fiery
Translation: homicidal, psychotic
Example: Muqtadar al Sadr is the fiery Shiite cleric whose militia fought the occupation.

Liberal: larger truths
Translation: lies
Example: Rigoberta Menchu’s book contains many larger truths.

Liberal: militant
Translation: murderer
Example: A Palestinian militant today attacked an Israeli settlement, killing three settlers.

Liberal: nuance
Translation: incoherence, self-contradiction, delusion
Example: The EU considers America’s approach to the Middle East to be without nuance.

Liberal: populist
Translation: synonym of “progressive”
Example: Edwards’ populist theme of “two Americas” appeals to the core Democratic voters.

Liberal: progressive
Translation: Marxist
Example: The New York Times endorsed the candidate, calling him “a fresh progressive voice.”

Liberal: revenues
Translation: taxes
Example: We will reclaim the revenues we lost to Bush’s reckless economic program.

Liberal: rich (n.)
Translation: wage-earners (collective noun); you
Example: George Bush enacted tax cuts for the rich.

Liberal: settler
Translation: civilian; especially a woman or a child
Example: A Palestinian militant today attacked an Israeli settlement, killing three settlers.

7 thoughts on “English/Liberal Phrasebook”

  1. Liberal: interesting
    Translation: idiotic
    Example: This post is really interesting! It makes some very interesting points.

  2. Might I suggest the following items as well:

    Liberal: insurgent
    Translation: terrorist with a car and enough gas money to drive to Iraq.
    Example: The insurgents sought to liberate that area of town from the American invaders.

    Liberal: disenfranchised
    Translation: f***ing stupid, lacking in attention to detail
    Example: The disenfranchised voters of Miami-Dade were upset that their votes may not have been counted.

    Liberal: erosion
    Translation: enforcement
    Example: The Bush administration has done its absolute best to see to the erosion of the constitution

    Liberal: cheap labor conservative
    Translation: Business owner who won’t pay you $25.00/hour for a job requiring no education/skill/or hard labor
    Example: The unions are being overpowered by cheap labor conservatives that want to maximize profits

    Liberal: racist
    Translation: fair
    Example: Many conservatives are calling for affirmative action programs to be scaled back at universities, in an effort to get racist college admissions policies put in place
    (NOTE: At last count racist is a liberal synonym for about 800 english words)

    Liberal: media
    Translation: conservative
    Example: CounterSpin is produced by the media watch group Fair.

  3. Mounting – Accumulating. This word once meant “rapidly accumulating”, but that restriction seems to have been dropped and the word can now refer to a slow trickle of accumulation, especially when used as a modifier for “casualties”.

    Unilateral – From the Greek “lateral”, meaning “sided” and “uni”, meaning “about thirty or so”.

    Popular Resistance – A situation where gangs of would-be oppressors fight to make the liberators bugger off so that the oppressors may oppress their local population without being bothered by outside agitators.

    Stealing – When the object of this verb is “oil”, this verb becomes a synonym for “buying” or “drilling”.

    Diplomatic Failure – Failure to get foreign leaders to volunarily join in a war against their own business partners.

  4. Excellent. Let me add:

    Freewheeling – 1) Hasn’t been taxed/regulated out of business yet; 2) The defining characteristic of financial markets we disapprove of or don’t understand (i.e., all of them). Example: “freewheeling futures markets”.

    Skyrocketing – Somebody is making money and we can’t do anything about it. Example: “the oil industry’s skyrocketing profits”. (See also: “freewheeling”.)

    Wild West – We can’t openly criticize people for defending themselves, so instead we’ll imply that they’re atavistic yahoos.

  5. Greedy: Richer than me. “Wall Street is just soooooooo greedy!”

    Atomistic: Free. “We can’t have an atomistic society where parents are in charge of raising their own kids.”

    Closed-minded: Disagrees with me. “People who watch Fox News or read the Drudge Report are closed-minded.”

    Racist war: A war where white people shoot at white people. See also Afghanistan, Israel, Iraq. Does not apply to Sudan or Zimbabwe, where actual racial conflict is involved.

    Oppression: Freedom. “Let’s fight capitalist oppression. Too many people are making a good living out there.”

    Illegal occupation: The wrong person has won. See also Israel. Does not apply to Bosnia or Tibet since communists in these places won.

    Wal-Mart, Starbucks, Mc Donald’s: Tacky. Regular people actually like these things so there must be something wrong with them.

    Civil liberties: The right to perform public sex acts, but not to smoke or sell cigarettes in private.

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