Mitch Townsend

Friday Frivolities – A Guide to the New Food Pyramid (rerun)

by

The Chemical Group
These substances benefit the central nervous system, causing it to speed up, slow down, or cross the median strip and flip over. They include:

1. the Alcohol family
2. the Tobacco family
3. the Pharmaceutical family

Because the vitamins from this group are not stored in the body, daily consumption of one or more servings is recommended. Some pharmaceuticals (aspirin, Maalox, etc.) are useful in reducing the side effects of other members of the chemical group and permitting more frequent and thorough use of them.

Firearms and explosives are often associated with this group and are actually regulated by the same federal agency, but they are rarely consumed.

The Grease Group
This is the main part of a healthy diet. You should include five or more servings from this group in your daily intake. Examples include the three C’s of chips (also a good source of salt), chocolate, and cheese. Otherwise objectionable substances such as vegetables can be rendered harmless by dipping them in batter and deep-frying, converting them to healthful grease. Many ethnic favorites, such as Wisconsin-style cheese curds, are prepared according to this method, which enhances their nutritional value. There is considerable overlap with the sugar group, especially in baked goods. Pizza, cheeseburgers, and onion rings also contain good amounts of grease. Chocolate, in the form of chocolate candy, is the queen of all grease, participating as well in the sugar group. White chocolate, it must be conceded, is greasy and sugary. However, it is a pale imitation. It bears the same relationship to real chocolate as phone sex to sex.

The Sugar Group
Another foundation of a healthy lifestyle, sugar is prized by humans and quadrupeds (especially horses) alike, attesting to its natural beneficial properties. Although commonly derived from plants (sugar cane and sugar beets), it is processed to chemical purity as a disaccharide (C12 H22 O11) to the point that its vegetable origin is irrelevant. The sugar group can be usefully sub-categorized as candy (licorice, chocolate, mints, etc.), baked goods (donuts, brownies, Twinkies, Ding Dongs), frozen (ice cream, Milky Way bars), or condiment (hot fudge sauce, maple syrup, plain sugar). Quickly and easily digested, it is a primary source of nourishment.

The Salt Group
Aside from chips, which are properly considered members of the grease family, salt is present in many baked goods such as pretzels. Putting salt on the rim of a margarita glass is a pleasant way to get part of your daily alcohol, and there is not usually enough lime in the mix to be a problem. The nice thing about salt is that it can be sprinkled on nearly everything. Try adding a teaspoon of salt to your blob of ketchup when dipping your french fries.

The Caffeine Group
Although scientifically considered to be part of the chemical group, caffeine delivery systems form such an important part of a healthy lifestyle that they are afforded their own category. Foremost in this group is coffee, plain and simple, and all its derivative forms: lattes, espresso, cappuccino, pousse-cafe’, cafe’ au lait, Irish coffee, and so many more delights. Adding grease in the form of cream and sugar only improves it. The abomination of decaffeinated coffee should not be discussed in polite company. Soda (regional nomenclature varies; pop, tonic, and co-cola are known to be used) often includes generous portions of sugar as well as caffeine. Jolt Cola, the favorite of coders, is especially good, containing extra caffeine, sugar, carbonated water, and mysterious “flavors.” Tea, and its chai derivations, is a junior member of this group. It is sometimes favored by interesting women but is otherwise unremarkable.

—-

[Originally posted in 2004.]

Everything Old is New Again

by

One of humanity’s oldest forms of national economy is the “palace economy.” Under this system, the king would have the harvest brought into a central granary for storage. In Genesis 41, Joseph interprets Pharoah’s dream as predicting seven good harvests and seven poor ones, and says: “Let Pharaoh do this, and let him appoint officers over the land, and take up the fifth part of the land of Egypt in the seven plenteous years. And let them gather all the food of those good years that come, and lay up corn under the hand of Pharaoh, and let them keep food in the cities. And that food shall be for store to the land against the seven years of famine, which shall be in the land of Egypt; that the land perish not through the famine.”

Egypt, Mesopotamia, Asia Minor, the Minoans, and the Mycenaean Greeks all had similar arrangements. It was a command economy, with subsistence farming as a base and the excess over bare necessity taken into the care of the government. Many examples of early writing are simply accounting records for the acquisition, storage, and disbursement of grain, wine, and olive oil. In theory, the stored food would be redistributed to the poor and, in times of shortage, to the people in general. In practice, it put the weapon of hunger into the ruler’s hands.

Politically, the ruler was the representative and near relation of the gods, and was invested with divine attributes. That may or may not have included shooting 18 holes-in-one in a single round of golf.

Is any of this starting to sound familiar?

Good riddance to the god-king of North Korea. I hope his fellow god-king Stalin has saved him a seat by the fire.

A Handy Guide

by

Voter's Guide

I know it’s confusing, but here is how to tell them apart: one of them used to be an evil alien mastermind bent on universal domination and the destruction of his many enemies; nowadays, he’s more of a comic foil.

The other is a cartoon.

Inspiration

by

Teamwork

SOTU Follow-up: Obama to Give America Another Chance

by

Speaking on conditions of anonymity, a senior White House official indicated that while President Barack Obama realizes there are problems in his relationship with us, the American people, he intends to hang in and work to make it succeed. The spokesman went on to indicate Obama feels particularly disappointed that we have not appreciated all his efforts to bring us free universal health care. He also feels we are not doing our fair share of the national work, and that 20 months after the end of the recession, we should be doing much better than 9.4% unemployment and only 64.3% civilian workforce participation. He thinks we just are not trying hard enough, and wonders how he can expect to fund green jobs, high-speed rail, and universal fast internet connections without the revenues he needs us to provide. The spokesman conceded that while Obama has run up considerable debts, it was all spent on necessities, and if we had been contributing as we should have, he could have paid for it all in cash. The spokesman went on to say that Obama was willing to give this relationship another two years, and then see where we stand. The spokesman indicated Obama was sorry to take such a hard line, but things must change.

Other White House officials, who asked not to be named, said that Obama could do much better, and did not have to settle for the people of the United States. One official mentioned that Tunisia had just left a long-term relationship, and the United Nations has always had the hots for him. Another said that Obama and France were made for each other, and we had better watch our step, and get some help for what Obama considers our electoral dysfunction.