Five New England States To Change Names

The governors of five of the six New England states announced jointly today that each would be changing its name as of January 1st, 2021. Massachusetts and Connecticut both apologized for centuries of cultural appropriation by ripping off local toponyms from native peoples, using the names for areas occupied by white colonialist settlers, while Maine and Rhode Island confessed that their names had originated from white colonialist oppressors, replacing the perfectly good Native American names that should have been kept. Governor Chris Sununu of New Hampshire stated that the Executive Council had considered standing pat because “the name just means new home town shire,” but ultimately decided that “new” “home,” “town” and “shire” all had oppressive or citizenist connotations anyway and should be discarded. “We will probably go with Granite State – though even “state” is problematic,” he said. “White Mountain State is clearly right out.” There is already a petition circulating in Portsmouth to switch to “Statey McStateface.”

Massachusetts is considering changing to “Airstrip One;” Maine may simply drop the final “e” because it’s easier to spell; and Rhode Island, already annoyed at having to change the coolest state name in the country, is contemplating secession.

Only Vermont is retaining its traditional name, though Governor Phil Scott admitted this is provisional. “We think ‘Mountain’ is inoffensive, and ‘Green’ has the advantage of also being the name of one of the few acceptable political parties this year. Still, you never know. Someone might come up to the State House tomorrow and declare themselves offended, and we’d have to honor that.” In the meantime, the state has decided to change the names of most its towns, beginning with White River Junction and St Alban’s, owing to their unbearable whiteness and the unfortunate religious origins of the latter. “Because almost everything is either cultural appropriation or cultural hegemony, we thought we would just move to identifying every place name by its current initial letter,” Governor Scott explained. “Unfortunately, in Vermont everything of any importance begins with a B, so it won’t be much help on your GPS” he added, throwing up his hands. The residents of Montpelier immediately took to the streets with hastily-lettered signs in protest upon hearing that explanation.

Government officials from every other named place in the world declined to comment.

16 thoughts on “Five New England States To Change Names”

  1. So hilarious you almost think it’s true.

    Of course, the governor of a state near you (Indiana) is already open to a conversation about changing its oppressive and disgusting name. Some suggestions I’ve heard include Hoosieria, but asking people who their urea is seems odd to me. Dillingidia is possible, but sounds like an STD. “500” is doable, but might cause people to wonder where the other 449 states are.

    Anyhow, thanks for the article that’s only funny for now! :)

  2. Appears we need to get rid of ‘states’. And certainly ‘united’ is right out as well.

    Maybe we reset and name each defunded, feudal state by the number sequence they are created resetting each time offensive things are uncovered. At least for the time they persist and replaced by another numbered group.

    History will belong to those that hit the ‘reset’ button each time.

  3. Status quo of submitting to the whiners isn’t tenable.

    Hypothetical: think people would cut this out if the academics in question were tortured to death in public?

    Don’t think folks are yet quite scared and nuts from current events to go for it.

  4. Momentum is building for the Texas Rangers ball club to be renamed “Juneteenth Admirers” to avoid any appropriation. The new mascot with be habitually on it’s knees. The new team colors will be rainbow.

    The next target has to be our state name, Texas. Seems the most likely name trending on social media is Wokeas. The reimagined school song for UT will be “The Eyes of Wokas Are Upon You” so you better be good and woke.


  5. we can go by the panem district system, the Capitol, is in the rockies, district 12 is in the appalachians,

  6. It’s like the ditching of the Indian Maiden advertising figure by Land O Lakes: “Get rid of the Indian, but keep the land.”

    And this is done to ‘benefit’ Indians, taking *1984* and its Memory Hole a a how-to guide rather than a cautionary tale.

  7. Of the many corporation pressuring the Washington Redskins to change their names, changing their own logos, and suchlike symbolic behavior, I haven’t seen any that have committed to put a factory, warehouse, or customer service center on a reservation that badly needs the jobs. Maybe I missed the press releases…you think?

    We seem to be living in an era in which symbolism is far more important than things that happen out in the actual world.

  8. Well to put a factory on a reservation would require coming to terms with problems reservations present – of property, culture and guilt. Self righteousness is always easier than posing solutions – even though they were repeatedly used by Stossel to make arguments for the free market and to face the real tragedies described by Naomi Schafer Riley of reservation culture and education.

    Those icons are also reminders to all of us of the history of our country – many were done with respect and I suspect (from the many polls of actual Indians, etc.) were recognized by those who saw them as a such. Whatever the motive or instincts of those who chose such symbols, erected such monuments, etc., they were done with a sense of connecting the present with the past, of reinforcing our affection for that past. Compressing our vocabulary is another way of “disappearing” our history. (Language, food, music – all are the subject of this cleansing; as the Instapunditeers say, some consider 1984 a guidebook rather than cautionary tale.)

  9. Ginny,

    There are surely big differences from tribe to tribe. The Navaho, in particular, seem to be very focused on economic development:

    I haven’t read Naomi’s book, but sounds very interesting. The micromanagement of tribal affairs by the Federal Government has surely been a malign force.

  10. Speaking of the Navajo…I’ve read that for the assembly of magnetic core memories, which were used in the early days of mainframe computing, some companies employed Navajo women, who had great traditional weaving skills. Can’t find a link to confirm this, did find a link saying GE…which at the time was in the mainframe computer business, based in Phoenix..*considered* putting a memory factory on the Navajo reservation.

  11. I think the Navajo have been fortunate to live somewhere where casinos aren’t really a viable option, and to have an established democratic system that won’t easily allow a small cabal to take over that might move in such a direction.

    PS, did you know that not that long ago the ancestors of the Navajo lived up near Alaska?

  12. @ Brian – the Navajo and Hopi are part of the Na-Dene family, related to the Athabaskans and others farther north that were the second wave of immigration. They are unrelated to the rest of the Native Americans, which fall under the general category of Amerind. (Yes, I know this is disputed, but not for long. The genetics have been bearing this out in stunning fashion.) The Eskimo-Aleut-Inuit languages are the third wave of migration from Asia to the New World.

    There is speculation that those languages are related to Ket, a Yenesian language in Siberia. They look a bit different as well, more likely to have an epicanthic fold.

  13. I wasn’t talking about their migration from Alaska though…they moved down into the Southwest only like 600 years ago.

  14. Tofudishu
    The Soyviet Union
    New Hempshire

    Up for adoption.


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