Humor

Obamaphone Features…

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Via the always brilliant People’s Cube:

  • It automatically rejects calls from people with a different opinion.
  • Every time you take a picture, it produces a grimmer image of America.
  • It doesn’t have a plan; it just keeps telling you how bad the other guy’s plan is.
  • When it crashes, it blames your previous phone.
  • All 3 AM calls go directly to voicemail.
  • It has a really useless app called “Biden.”
  • Pairing it with another device sucks all the energy out of the other unit.
  • Type in “job search” and it gives you directions to the welfare office.
  • The navigation feature covers all 57 States.
  • The default ringtone for international calls is “I’m sorry, so sorry, please accept my apology.”
  • The healthcare app downloads and installs itself without your permission.
  • When you make a call, a teleprompter pops up to help you speak.
  • Restaurant reviews are all written by Michelle Obama.
  • There are never any winners on Angry Birds.
  • Instagram takes two months to process a photo and you have to fill out 3 PDFs to do so.
  • Paypal app is replaced with ReceivePal app.
  • You can’t find “Jerusalem” on Google maps.
  • It turns all your Facebook friends into enemies and all your enemies into friends.
  • Don’t want to work? There’s an app for that, too.
  • It automatically bows down to phones made by foreign companies.
  • When you watch a YouTube video, a US ambassador gets killed.
  • When you dial “home”, it calls Kenya.
  • As opposed to the iPhone, it’s called the mePhone.

    • New! – Your Weekly Chicagoboyz Allegorical Cat Video

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    RERUN–Ruler of the Auto Industree

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    Brian Deese was one of Obama’s auto-industry “Czars”….for a time he was the Czar for General Motors. He is now Deputy Director of the National Economic Council where he’s “charged with coordinating policy development on several Administration economic priorities including tax policy, financial regulation, housing, clean energy, manufacturing, and the automotive industry.”

    I wrote this little song in his honor and posted it originally on 6/11/2009. To be sung to the tune of “Ruler of the Queen’s Navee.”

    When I was a lad, I was smart you see
    So I went to Yale to get a law degree
    I studied hard and I impressed some profs
    But I thought I could do better so I blew it off

    (he thought he could do better so he blew it off)

    I quit and went to work for Hillary’s campaign
    And they were really quite impressed with my most excellent brain
    When Clinton dropped out Obama wanted me
    And now I rule the U.S. auto industree

    (when Clinton dropped out Obama wanted he
    That’s why he rules the U.S. auto industree)

    I never sold cars at a dealership
    And I never worked the plant on the midnight shift
    Or stayed up all night a-workin’ on a car design
    Or fixin’ up the flow on the assembly line

    (he never even saw that old assembly line)

    I became a political man you see
    So now I rule the US auto industry

    (a political man most grand is he
    so now he rules the U.S. auto industree)

    I never had to wrestle with a P&L
    To prove that I could run a business really well
    I never executed any sales campaigns
    Or handled the logistics with the trucks and the trains

    (he never had to worry with the trucks and the trains)

    Instead I was chosen by the “O” you see
    So now I rule the US auto industry

    (Obama reached down and annointed he
    so now he rules the U.S. auto industree)

    Now kids everywhere if you want to succeed
    I’ve got some advice that you’ll do well to heed
    Don’t go into business as an entrepreneur
    Cause your odds of success they’ll be increasingly poor
    Just become a political man like me
    And some day you too may rule the auto industree

    (just become a political man like he
    and you too may rule the auto industree)

    Original CB comment thread here

    Music, and original words to the Gilbert & Sullivan song, here.

    It’s National Empty Chair Day

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    …

    Explaination here, with more Empty Chairage. Also a bit of background on “Eastwooding.”